It's been a week or so since I posted to my blog so I thought I would post. I'm still dreading Christmas with my aunt coming. My brother and SIL have been warned that I'm not sure how I will be if she starts going on about her health. They know that I have no patience for my aunt and my resiliance from her attacks is low so I am afraid of how I will react. I may have to leave or take a lawn chair and sit on the back deck in the snow and ice until it's time to drive her home. The other alternative is to just go home and when she and/or my mom are ready to go I will pick them up and drive my aunt home. My mom knows that I will not pick my aunt up unless she is with me. There needs to be a buffer. I almost thought today I would bring my walkman and put that on to shut her out. But then that's illegal and if I get caught, I really don't want a ticket.

It's amazing how much snow we got from Friday to Sunday. Then to get sleet on top of it and then a super freeze. I'm glad we had kids that came regularly to shovel. When I got home from work, I was shoveling and 2 kids came by. I paid them to shovel out my car and the end of the driveway that gets plowed in. They also helped me shovel part of the driveway too. I was really happy since where we get plowed in gets sooo heavy. We are unfortunately on that side of a one way street that is always plowed in deeply. We also get mounds because we are at a corner. Luckily the driveway is away from the corner. But it does make it hard shoveling out the fireplug too. I was lucky there and a neighbor had some sort of mini-snowplow that he was using to get rid of snow from his driveway to the catch basin. I convinced him to make a space to the fireplug since it would benefit him too. Sometimes it's good to be a woman.

I had a reality shock this weekend. Well not so reality... I'm going to be middle aged in May. I'm not sure if middle aged has increased since the average lifespan has increased but in terms of what middle aged was when I was a kid... well I'm going to hit it. Ugh.... I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be in life. I have done some cool things but in some ways I'm a failure. Yeah that sounds harsh but that is what it is... no glossing it over. Don't get me wrong... like I said, I have done some cool things. I also have some great friends. But I had thought I'd be married and my kids would be in high school this year or even first year of college. I wanted to be a young mom so I could keep up with them and have lots of fun with sports and whatnot. The other option was that I would have a great career and be married too. I have a career but I'm not sure if I am great at it. I'm a good librarian but nothing spectacular. I don't add more to the profession other than helping students with finding information for their papers. I don't publish. I am not active in any professional membership that I am a member. I just do my job, come home, and sometimes do something after work or sometimes not. Nothing exciting or making a huge difference in the world. I had so many ideas when I was younger and had more energy. Where did the time go... why did I waste so much of my life... I don't know if I would have made a huge difference in the world but just being more charged about my profession or whatever profession I would have been in. I've made some doozy of mistakes. I have learned from them but many of them have completely changed me... not sure if for the better or the worse. Probably both depending on the situation.

I'm feeling very stuck as well. I just don't think things are going to go as I have wanted them to go. It's not a matter of going out and doing it... it's a matter of other people and what they want in life. I don't even know if I want to stay in my present career but I don't know what else I can do. I lack the confidence in my skills even if it doesn't show it when I'm actually at work.

I suppose I will do more retrospect thinking as the next few weeks pass. I will just need to accept what my reality is and suck it up. I can make some changes but it doesn't matter sometimes. I will just be a good citizen and not a burden to society.