TMI for some people

Well I wasn't sure if I was going to type up my post or not but I decided to just post it for posterity sake or something like that. For some this will be too much information so it might be a good time to go to your next blog to read.

It's been a strange year for me. In January, I went for my first mammogram. They said they would use it as a baseline. There were a few things that looked "normal" for someone of my age. Fast forward to July when I had my follow-up mammogram since January was just a baseline. Well, time for the test and they said oh we are just going to x-ray the left breast. I was a bit surprised but whatever. I was squished in many different positions and angles. The one who took the pictures went off to the tech to get a first reading. So they decided they needed to do a magnification because they saw an assymetrical mass and some microcalcifications (was this what they saw in January). I was like ok, fine. I actually got to see the negative and was fascinated by it. So more pictures were taken and was squished even more than before and then the radiologist comes in. (The radiologist generally doesn't come in unless there is a problem.) He explainsed that what they saw "might be normal for my age" but we want you to come back in 6 months for a follow-up. I'm like... ok? Then I get the final report letter from my doctor. She said there were stable calcifications and the assymetrical mass and oh by the way there is a possibly cyst in your right breast. I'm like... what???? They only tested the left breast...what is this about the right? She also said that with the mass and the microcalcifications, I need to go back every 6 months for 18 months to make sure nothing changes. I'm like... what???? This wasn't part of my plan. 18 months! She said I had a choice about if I wanted to get an ultrasound for the right breast to double check that what is there is only a cyst but I will still have the 6 month follow up regardless or I can just let it be until the 6 months and then make some decisions then of what to do. I got this letter before I went on vacation so this was on my mind constantly. I dealt with it alone and in my mind. What was I going to say to my friend. I went from completely bowled over (think tsunami) with the letter to confused to pissed off (why wasn't I told this in January when they did the right breast too) to an whatever attitude. I got home and decided to call my doctor for clarification. I couldn't get things to add up. I was like I didn't get the right breast done so maybe there was typo.... she said no... what happened was a weird mistake. The portion of the right breast that has the cyst got in one of the pictures by accident and they saw the cyst. I decided fine, I'll go for the ultrasound because my mom was a bit freaked out. For anyone who hasn't had one yet or is not familiar, cysts don't show up like cysts on mammograms. They look the same as a mass but a bit more organized in shape. An ultrasound is better at telling what's going on inside the whatever. My mom was happy I decided to go. She said her old boss (a nurse) said it was a good idea to get the ultrasound and not to wait. My mom told me this after I made the appointment. She actually asked me if I wanted her to go with her. I said no, I'm fine. It's just a standard type of test I've had many times before and this one I didn't have to drink a 24+ ounces of water.

So tomorrow is the ultrasound. Not sure what to think right now. I think there is a part of me that is worried but a part of me that is like whatever. Suck it up, there is nothing wrong. Get over yourself.

Being a librarian, I did do some research before I even got the letter on assymetrical masses and microcalifications. Let's just say, it's a bit worrysome. One would think that microcalcifications should be nothing since they are so small.... well I found out that if they cluster it's not good but the fact that they are there is not really great either because it can be a precursor to something else. It's better if there was a "regular size" calicification. The assymetrical masses... not overly great either. But I guess both ways, it's a slow progression so it's not like I have to worry right away. I suppose after 18 months if they still want me to go more, then I will worry. Well I probably will worry either way since I didn't like what I read. Because cancer is on my dad's side (he had colon cancer and his sister had breast cancer - in the 1970's and both died), it's always worried me a bit. I have often thought "what would I do if faced with cancer?" I saw my dad go through treatment and getting so sick and weak. Could I manage it and be as humble as he was? I used to be pretty set on what I'd do but now I just don't know what I'd do. I guess it depends on type and how far along. But it's still pretty scary to even think about it with my breast guests. I have made my peace long ago with my maker due to something else that happened in my life. I still have a habit of trying to handle it all by myself. I guess right now, I just need to hand it over to God and hope for the best and pray that he will guide me with any decision that need to be made if need be. At least I say that now.

Oh, I did have a dermal cyst removed from the left breast right before I left Social Sciences to go to the Children's Room. It looked like a pill and not a circular looking thing but they said it was a cyst. I'm just glad it was out because it really bothered my body when I wore my bathing suit and pretty bras that have underwires.

Other than that... I still like my job. I have things I want to accomplish and I hope that eventually I will get myself organized to do something creative or do a story time at some point. I am trying to just super focus on work with the hopes that the things that have me worried or sad will be pushed aside and I'll just be too tired to feel any of those painful emotions. Right now we are planning for Curious George's 70th birthday party we are having on September 25. My first party at the library for CG because I could never get close enough to the room when I worked those Saturdays to be able to see what was going on. I heard one year there were 800 kids!!! Thankfully I will be able to recover on Sunday since we are not opened yet on Sundays.

On a brighter note, it sounds like we won't get have Hurricane Earl full force. They said on the news it will be more like a nor'easter. What does that mean for me.... more water in the basement. The water just dried up from the 4 day storm that happened when I was away. Maybe we will be lucky this time. :-)