Well this vacation has just sucked. This weekend sucked as well. I don't know why I even bother. This time was just a complete waste. I did get alot of appointments in that would have screwed up the normal work schedule so at least I didn't piss people off by taking too much time. I realized if I don't go anywhere, why am I even bothering to take time off from work. It's just going to be a complete bummer week for me. So why bother!!!
Dating is definitely not for me and I realized I'm not allowed to be happy. I don't know why other people can't understand it when I tell them that. They say I am allowed to be happy. But why bother if I have a great day to only have something horrible happen that just makes that day or the person I've spent it with, completely opposite and pointless. Why can't I find a guy who is mutually attracted to me and is willing to love me or even like me very much. They just don't seem to be out there. I had to leave my house yesterday so that my mom wouldn't see or hear my crying... why... because I would get back from here... I told you so. I've had that before and it hurt me to my core. No comforting. So I guess I will be off finding places to cry so that she will never know. Right now, I am wondering why I'm even here. What purpose do I have. Why bother in life, if I am never meant to be happy. Or why do I always have to pay for being happy. Can't I just be allowed to be happy without having to pay for it.!!!!!! I suspect I'll be doing a lot of laying around in bed staring at the ceiling again.... why you might say? my reply: why not... no sense in bothering to try. I will just get up when I need to and do my stuff and work and then when done... go back to bed. Life is not looking too bright for me right now. It's going to be a long life of nothing for me.... why... because that's all I deserve!!!!
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