So the anniversary of my mom's death is coming up. I have to admit my mom's passing hit me way harder than I thought it would. I'm calmer now although I do have some crying spurts. I'm usually apologizing to her for my failings. To my dad and my aunt and Nanny as well. I don't know how much they expected of me. I wasn't the golden child but I did put in a lot of effort to do as well as I did. And I mean A LOT with very little help from others. My aunt did try to help me with my reading comprehension issues. Come to find out it's a learning disability. Who knew! My ADHD compounded the problem. But no one other than my mom suspected something wasn't right. I shouldn't have had to work soooo hard to accomplish what I accomplished. I also was all over the place and disorganized. I wasn't the easiest baby, kid or teen to raise. Thankfully, I didn't get myself into drugs or drinking or destructive behaviors like other people with ADHD do. Not all people with ADHD do but with the type I have there is a tendency to follow that path. I was the good girl I guess. I didn't party, do drugs, have sex when I was a teen or in college. I spent my time between working part-time, babysitting, taking care of my grandmother and full time school. I did candlepin bowling during college. I think that was a good outing for me. Got me around other humans. I made friends that way and we traveled after college when I was working in my second job. I had money then. Later I decided to go to grad school to re-up my teaching certificate. I never would have been a good teacher with all my disorganization and baggage. I went to grad school for library science. I was working a part time job when I was working my full time job before grad school. Then I had to drop bowling and my part-time job. When I got my library job, I though, oh boy did I make a mistake working for where I was working. Me in a research library. I hated them in college...lol. I actually studied to be a Children's Librarian in a branch or small library setting. But the research library was where I learned to love history. I wasn't a reading class but an exciting adventure to find out information, confirm facts and provide patrons with new directions for their research. I was old school with new school ways. Then my aunt got sick and I cared for her. Then before she died, my mom got sick and I cared for her. In 2021 I finally got to work at a branch but as a generalist. The only way I can explain my job is that I generally do some of everything and I mean everything! This week I'm actually in charge of the branch. Me.... the one who is disorganized, the one who has PTSD and is panicking over anything wrong. I know I have to just go with the flow and handle a crisis with calmness but inside I'm fucking freaking out. Last year, my mom got really sick. She was in and out of the hospital and rehabs until finally she had to be in long term care. I hated that her life turned that way. It's like my aunt. I hated that dementia stole her away from me. I hate that COPD and heart disease took my mom away but I know she was ready and was at peace when she passed. I do hate that she was super drugged up but her tiny body would have been in agony. She knew she was ready to go Tuesday night which means she "saw my dad" and she passed on Saturday morning. The same day as my dad's birthday. The pain I feel sometimes in my heart from missing her is almost like my heart is just breaking only, it can't break because that was already broken. I just didn't want to admit I had a crush on a man that did not find me desireable. I suspect I know why which is stupid because I have grown since I made my statement years ago about being anti-abortion but also pro-choice. At that point I didn't feel I had the right to make a decision for another human being period on any topic. This was a touchy topic for him. He said I can't be both. Over time, I have become pro-life but my heart fears for the women who get underground abortions and could die from them. It's like the old coat hanger thing. That is my fear. But I am pro-life. I have been studying my religion more and it makes sense. There are things I still don't agree with but in time, I tend to make sense of things in my own way and agree to accept them. It's just me. Sorry if I got a bit political there. I will never down anyone else's decisions for how they choose their morals and beliefs in life. Not my choice. I will never force my religion on someone either. I still have taken some ideas from other religions to encompass into my life. All are positive oriented. I do believe that animals have spirits and nature has a spirit and energy. My spirit animal is a wolf. It fits me. I am not trying to culturally appropriate spirit animals because of my belief about animals having spirits. Insects I'm still not so sure about. They give me shivers. But I screwed up. I had thought he was my soul-mate. My kindred spirit. I was completely wrong.
So now I'm completely alone. When my mom died, I know she went with my dad who I used to be able to feel his presence around but now, I don't. I think I was mistaken for the reason he was still around. I feel stupid for that. He wasn't here for the whole family, he was still here for her. It's like I knew right away, the feeling, he wasn't around anymore. He had his soulmate back with him. It's a beautiful love story really. And I knew my mom was gone too. I hope they are celebrating his birthday again together this year.
I still hate celebrating my birthday. I reluctantly let my brother, SIL and nephew have a cake for me. I had to fake my happiness.
I also had to lose my comfort cat this year too. Well he wasn't adopted as a comfort cat but he became my comfort and my joy especially after his BFF had to be put to sleep. She was my WFH companion and had my schedule down and was pushy for me to take breaks. If she didn't, I probably would have worked straight through the day. I know there were some who WFH at my job that didn't put in a full day. It was understandable. We got burnt out.
I am still burnt out. I don't know how to come back from it. I don't know what I need so I don't know what I can change to make it better or easier for me. I go from start to finish and I feel like there is still more I needed to get done that day. I wonder if my position is not a good fit for me even if where I am is. It's so hard to figure it out. On top of dealing with estate stuff for both my mom and still my aunt. I have two account to still settle for my aunt. Le Sigh!
I'm learning Haitian Creole. It's coming slowly. It brings back some of my French at least. We have so many Haitian refugees coming to my library for help. My colleagues know Spanish and I can remember some. I'm so bad with languages. I can't even get English correct sometimes. Words disappear from me but then reappear. I don't know if I'm losing my mind or it's the fibromyalgia or the ADHD or being burnt out. I can't afford to take time off from work to go somewhere away from the house. I should be feeling like I am making more money with my raises but I feel like I am getting paid less. I am trying to track my expenses better but it's that direct deposit that seems so small. It's a bummer. I will be stuck in this house forever because I can't afford to get an apartment on my salary now in my city or many cities for that matter.
I should be sleeping now but I've been stressing out since I saw the copy of my original ADHD test. I feel very inadequate and less intelligent than I thought I was. I did great in the intelligence test but the other intelligence type tests were so bad that it was like my brain is one big contradiction.
I'm trying my best to keep up with the proper terminologies and thought processes for everything in the library world and in life but I keep fucking up. I catch it but it's already come out of my mouth. I don't seem to think before I speak, literally. There is no thought that created what I have said. I know scientifically it's impossible but it feels like it. I shock myself sometimes with what comes out. I hate when I use a tone I never intended. I hate when I offend people without even knowing it. I have said to people please tell me if I offend you in anyway. I don't understand microaggressions enough to know if I've crossed a line. My brain doesn't work that way. I understand it with non-white populations but sometimes I don't even know if I've done something. When I like someone's hair, I will say it. I'm in awe and love the style and color. I don't mean it to be offensive because someone's hair is important to them. I don't mean to demean someone. I have neve been accused of it but I do wonder if I offend people. When I start to question that, I super clam up and don't want to talk to anyone. I want to crawl into my hole in the cave both as a way to protect my emotions of being told I've done something wrong (even if I've asked people to tell me) and also just to eliminate myself from society to prevent me saying something stupid. Heck, that's how the guy I dated got offended by me.
But I am so lonely. I have my cat and he helps but I long for a soul-mate, a true kindred spirit who will want to care for me, love me, be honest and loyal. In return, I will be honest (unfortunately too much at times), extremely loyal, loving, caring, and want to make him a happy man. I pray for such a man but I suspect I am not on the list for one in God's plans. I know everything is in His Time. I worry time is running out, for both me and this planet. I'd like to spend some time with this man. I'd like him to be cute too... cute in my eyes. Not GQ material but cute. Eyes that smile. And someone I feel utterly comfortable with. I think I'm asking for too much. Oh well.
Well, it's 1:45am. I will regret not falling asleep earlier tonight. I wish I wasn't so anxious tonight. I could take something but I think it's a bit too late and I don't want to rely on stuff. I want my body to get into it's own rhythm knowing it needs sleep in order to function properly.
Welcome to my ADHD mind. I'm all over the place. Good night!
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